Tag Archives: trauma

I am love

For quite some time now, my mantra has been “I choose love.”

When I am afraid, I remind myself “I choose love.” It soothes me. When I’m trying too hard or pushing too much, “I choose love,” calms me down and eases me. When I am frustrated, or frustrating, “I choose love” helps me to come from love and compassion. (For myself and others.)

“I choose love” is my mantra.

But the other day in my yoga class, as the instructor challenged us to set an intention for our practice (and our day), what popped into my mind was, “I am love.”

I am love embodied. As are you. I am the love of the universe, the love of those around me, the love that soars in my heart when I let it – when I let myself be.

I do believe in love. I believe in hope. And joy. And peace. Even as things are tough all around us. I believe in fighting many good fights and throwing my effort into bringing about the changes – into being the changes – I wish to see in the world. This past weekend I was lucky to be able to March in New York City – and to see the city awash with people with signs, with chants, with camaraderie, and with hope.

I saw love there. I see love all around me. I see love inside me.

There are moments that feel dark, and when they lift and the lightness and love come, there’s nearly no better feeling. When love is filling me – or I’m pouring it out to others (or pouring it into myself, with a cup of warm tea and a snuggle down on the couch with a good book) – there is nothing better.

I am love. I can choose to be love. I can choose to feel love. I can choose love.

And I do.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

Categories: Hope and Amazement, , Tags:

There is no right or wrong

I can get SO caught in this. Trying to do what’s “right.” Terrified of doing what’s “wrong.”

These are old thought patterns – this belief that there is a “right” and “wrong.”

I was talking to a Second Generation the other day (someone who was born and raised in the Unification Church). We were laughing at the conundrum of being caught between “right” and “wrong” when there is no right and wrong. But boy, we were taught it, and boy is that learning a tough thing to put down.

When you’re taught that mankind has failed God endlessly – from Adam and Eve down to people on the street today – you become quite fearful of failing God. When you’re taught that even a quick sense of doubt as to the Truths you have been given is Satan himself doing all he can to pry you away from God and the path of righteousness, you come to doubt your own brain, your own thoughts, your own intuition, and your own best knowing.

You get really afraid of getting it “wrong.”

I now know there isn’t a right and wrong. And I now recognize when I get caught in the endless loop of fear. False Evidence Appearing Real, as I’ve written here in the past.

It will be wonderful when one day my mind doesn’t quickly jump to judging myself (and everything around me). It will be wonderful when I no longer have to breathe through the doubts and the panic. It will be wonderful when panic and anxiety – irrational panic and anxiety – don’t consume me. And until that day, I will keep reminding myself that there is no right and wrong, and that, therefore, I can’t get it all wrong. I will keep reminding myself of all that is right, of all that is good, of all that is beautiful.

And even if I do get it all wrong, there is always another chance. There is always another moment. There is always another opportunity to come to this day with love.

I was taught the FEAR of right and wrong. I was taught the responsibility of not messing that up. I was taught the burden of not letting God down. And I can learn – and have learned – different things.

I know that this terror of right and wrong isn’t mine alone. I know that many people who weren’t raised in cults also live their days ruled by this lie. I know that we all can – one moment at a time, one breath at a time – live a different way.

Because there is no right and wrong.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

Categories: Recovery, , , Tags:

How do I learn to not be guarded?

I think I learned that the world was not safe when I was young. I find myself often thinking the worst in situations, or feeling certain that somehow I’ve done something wrong and I’ve pissed you off. Or just – without even realizing it – knowing that I can’t fully open up. Or just not fully opening up.

I don’t know if the people I’m around know how guarded I often am. Maybe not, as I’m just somehow realizing it myself. Maybe so, because I’ve learned over the years that we just don’t fool people as much as we think we do.

I’m ready to not be guarded. I’m ready to not hide behind a mask.

I’m not always guarded. I’m not always hiding behind something or calculating – again without even realizing it – what could go wrong or how I could f—k up. But I’m doing it more than I want to.

I’ve learned – I’m learning – that the world is safe. That I don’t have to be afraid. That I won’t get left. That I won’t be hurt.

I’ve learned – I’m learning – that it’s okay to be open. And trusting.

I’ve learned – I’m learning – that I don’t have to try so goddamn hard…at everything…just in case.

But I still catch myself being guarded. And trying so goddamn hard to get things “right” – whatever the hell that is.

I have learned that I have a choice. That I can notice my guardedness and breathe through it and ease it away. I can call out my (irrational) fears. I can acknowledge myself for being willing to put down the fears and let in love. I can admit that it makes sense that I have these fears. My guardedness may have saved me when I was young, and I certainly believed it did back then. But I can choose if I still want to play that way.

How do I learn not to be guarded? I keep trying, and trying again. I let down my guard in safe situations and learn that nothing goes wrong. I admit my guardedness to people who will be understanding and supportive. I don’t blame myself for being this way, and I love myself though finding other ways.

I’ve recently joined a Facebook group for people who were born into and grew up in the Church. It somehow still amazes me that I’m not the only one with some of these defense mechanisms.

How do I stop being so guarded? I surround myself with safe people and safe situations, and then I just do.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

Categories: Resilience, , , Tags: